Kaye-Star

I'm using this skin solely because it has "unicorn Twilight".

Though, it makes no sense.

There's an idea art made with a mouse can never look as good as art made with a (graphics) tablet. I don't know why I ever cared because my art will never look stunning, regardless of which tool I use, but nevertheless, not having a tablet to do art on made me feel inferior as an "artist". Up until recently, I couldn't afford a tablet and now that I can, it doesn't feel like an expense I could justify. Even if I did buy one, chances are I'd still feel sub-par because it's not the "highest" tablet and there are still better ones I couldn't afford (well, not without sacrificing some essentials for several months).

On my old DeviantArt account, I have an entry from 2012 where I wrote I wouldn't upload anything more until my skills improved. Fat chance. I didn't want to admit I gave up, not because I expected to be any good right away (I have zero plans to pursue an art career), but because all I had was mouse and a PC I couldn't put to good use solely for what it was. If mouse-created artwork won't ever compared to what's made on a tablet, what is even the point?

In short, I quit. I had random bursts of motivation from time to time, but overall, I quit. I know using a tablet wouldn't improve anything, hence my confusion at why I even care about it, but the bottom line is I didn't feel making anything was worth it if the tool I used automatically lowered its quality before I started. I'd rather make nothing than have a disadvantaged start. I can (hopefully) improve my own skill. I can't improve my mouse. Computer mice aren't exactly made with human AI.

All of the above said, my curiosity, being as unreasonable as it is, is pushing me to buy a tablet for the sake of trying it out. Why the freak I have yet to learn the hard lesson of "curiosity killed the cat" is beyond me. But curiosity plus irrational stubbornness equals bad, and I'll probably refrain from getting a tablet until I can afford the best/most popular type of it. Yeah, I don't understand myself either.

And yes, I regret quitting. But I also regret ever starting. I wish I could go back to the time and stop myself from ever picking up a pencil to do anything except schoolwork. I miss when I didn't know about art programs like Sai, when art was just a subject I had to pass for school, when I had no genuine interest because that's all I knew it as: a school subject. I wish the "creative" side of my brain would malfunction, or wasn't the stronger side. I wish I was someone who leaned more toward logic than creativity. Sure, I could burn or trash my sketchbooks and pencils, and delete my DeviantArt account with all its deviations, but it wouldn't be the same because the time has already passed. That only gets rid of the evidence.

I wish I could go back and undo all of it, and never let art enter my life beyond what's necessary. Honestly, if one of the first things I'd heard was mouse-created artwork was inferior to tablet artwork, I probably never would've started. Instead, I didn't hear about it until years after I'd been trying, so I felt absorbed into it. Perhaps the lesson to take from here is to study something before trying to make it a hobby, not the other way around from impulsiveness and naivete.

If I ever want to create anything from now on, creation games are going to be my tool. Unfortunately, I still come up with new ideas occasionally and writing doesn't always help. Games are going to have to be my outlet. At least, using something pre-made means I'm not wasting my time trying with an inferior "tool" anymore.